Saturday, June 16, 2012
mastering your absence
Only during hard times do people come to understand how difficult it is to be master of their feelings and thoughts.-Chekhov
Like, I'm gonna crawl back to you, live again where only shadows lie. Yeah, I'm familiar with
that place where I fawn, excuse, deny.
But, oh my, I'm growing now and
appealing as that sounds, there's something about the bright
freedom grounding me.
I just trip in your cast of gloom and my legs-
they want to
I trembled once at your touch- it was all I knew.
then all that waving nearly knocked me over and I learned to fear.
If our bodies are vessels, then I carried you.
You've broken free.
Why can't I?
No, a fresh start cannot possibly mean I enter the crypt of your new found glory.
I can't compromise
my soul to give you safety.
Boulders lifted away become stepping stones where
with each foot placement, I'm lighter.
I want back a heart of flesh,
of equal rights, a solid body of strength and wholeness.
Imagine me a willow, but still.
Covering my own damn heart this time,
branches hanging, beauteous and protective.
The weeping-healing. Letting go lamentations,
convulsing to purge but silent are those tears,
shaking body but
Write an elegy of what
black and white means nothing to my movement.
mourning the theft but rejoicing the gift that's left
and seeing myself a widow.
I'm a tree unto myself, away from that brush of bullshit.
I'm fixing my hair a different way, viewing a new reflection.
that I can't
call your bluff
is a vapor of what you knew before and audacious
to say the least.
Our corona became a noose and your latest proposition, a nail in the proverbial coffin.
Circles do not have points - at least I know my shapes.
Sling mud- it doesn't stain.
I'm spotless once again.